Sean Loughran Dot Com

2007-02-11 Kaylee Rose Loughran

Whoa! Good Lord has it been a long time since i have just sat down and written on the website. The problem is I am so over wrought with so many blogs that value quantity over quality that I try too hard not to do that and once I get a quality post, I just add no quantity. I do not want to write every time my kitty cat takes a shit while so many people feel this is valuable information that needs to be passed on to the masses. I need to find that happy medium.

The Holidays you would figure would produce some good stories, but no.

Thanksgiving: Turkey and Bullshit Family Squabbling that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Christmas: Presents and Bullshit Family Squabbling that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

New Years: Booze and Booze and ...........booze........and there were some clocks............and parties.......and cab drives with sisters of no relation to me.

That is about all that needs to be said for the Holidays.

January. Well January was sucked from my youthful soul by the ever hungry corporation I work for. There was a demo that was due at the end of January and if my demo failed about 10-15 people would be looking for work about now. So since I did not want said competition at the welfare line, I cowboyed up (not in the brokeback way) and did my job awesomely and got the demo off without a hitch. People's jobs were saved and I got a couple of E-mails of congrats. Seconds after that, Emails asking me when my next stuff will be done.

Sigh

Snowboaridng you may be asking about. Aren't I the lucky guy who got the sickest board from my parentals for my b-day, the greatest bindings from the she-thing in the basement for my birthday, the best fitting boots ever from the cute Angelica saleswoman from the shop? Aren't I the guy who is totally decked out in his hooters ski patrol hat, his sick gear ready to rock that mountain? Fuck YEAH That's me!

...........sadly, now all I need is snow on the god damn mountain. It's now February 11th people and I have seen ONE good snowfall the entire year. The rest of the time I was wasting my awesome skills and great setup on ice and white dust that they kind of sneeze onto the mountain. Besides last weekend where I had 2 good days of riding, it's been a total waste of the season.

Now this is normally where I would go off on a tirade, and confess to everyone how I cut at least a dozen people's heads off with my nice and sharp edges of my gorgeous board, but I can't do that. No Sir or Madame. (Unless you're Mongo, then you're still Sir). That is not the work of a true, bonafide Uncle.

#1 Uncle.

#1 GOD FATHER!!!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman. As I told you in my last post from many many moons ago, My brother took a sip from his wine spritzer, got a little frisky and went to town with his woman. He saddled up, and like hitting a bullseye with a dart from 10 miles away he shot his true heart's content into the barren desert that was my sister in law and hit the one flowering cacti and produced a child.

One February 1st, My niece, the most beautiful baby in the world, Kaylee Rose Loughran was born. This absolute 7lbs of cuteness was brought to this Earth by nothing else but the hard work, determination and skillful work of my gorgeous and tough as nails sister-in-law Lori-Ann. As tough as the birth was, Lori was quoted as saying “these 24hrs of labor, fuck up Navy doctors, misdiagnoses, it was all a piece of cake compared to actually having sex with Artie to conceive the child.” Note: Some of these quotes may be taken entirely out of context or totally made up according to the authors whim and desire to humiliate his brother. .

There is not much else to say but look at my gorgeous, gorgeous niece, who obviously LOVES her Uncle Sean.

Figure 1. This is what an Angel looks like while she sleeps.

Figure2. Ellen pretending to be the #1 Aunt while Mongo is safely locked up 800 miles away.

Figure3. Kaylee LOVES her Uncle Sean!

2006-09-22 It's a girl!

My brother over two years ago called upon Lucifer himself, made a pact, and was able to marry Lori-Ann for the small price of his eternal soul. This may seem harsh to some people, but to everyone who knew Artie before Lori-Ann, we all knew the Devil was getting the raw deal; Artie was getting a smoking cute blonde who puts up with his bullshit, and Beelzebub was just getting a dirty, worn out, practically see through soul with skid marks in the ass area.

As soon as this dark pact was complete and Artie was able to scream "GOTCHA BITCH!" at the altar, me and Mongo were filled with dreams and wonders of an heir to the Loughran Throne with whom we could bestow gifts of noisy toys on top of noisy toys to keep Artie and Lori awake through out the nights as Mongo and I laughed from our respective non-child inhabited apartments.

As the calender pages dropped away our dreams were crushed and swept under the couch. Our laughter turned into scorn towards our limp dicked brother and our barren sister-in-law. We cast numerous poxes at them both, with the exception of their crotch areas of course, till our fingers and tomes of dark evil were both worn out. We felt defeated, and retreated to the only safe place we know, the bottom of a bottle.

One night as I was doing the back stroke in my own bottle, Mongo drops a bomb on me. Apparently the months of hardwork of replacing Lori's birthcontrol with tic-tacs, and poking Arties condoms with pin holes paid off, Lori was with child!

Since I was fooled before, twice infact, that they had been with child I waited for proof. It soon came when I saw Lori, whos stomach was always flat like so:

Exhibit 1: You know dark magic is in work for my brother to deserve this

now looked slightly pudgy. Most girls that means she just had an extra shake, but with my brother, or otherwise known as the human garbage disposal, you know Lori never had the chance to have an extra bite of any meal. So for the past few months, anytime I have seen my Sister-In-Law, my mother of the Soon to take over the title from me of Youngest Loughran, my best Incubator in the world, Lori-Ann, I have attacked her with pinches of both her cute smiling cheeks and her pudgy belly. I follow these belly pinches with greetings to my future neicephew as I so lovingly called it.

This brutish behaviour was tolerated for long enough, no longer will this heir, this child, becalled IT or Neicephew, it shall from henceforth be called, SHE!!!!!!

Exhibit 2: Ladies and Gentleman, say hello to my niece Kaylee Loughran

We found out this past Thursday, that I will be having a niece, and Me and Mongo told Lori months ago if its a girl, she will name it Kaylee, cause we said so, and we Done and Doned it, that means no going back. Lori had no choice but to accept our decree cause we both have T-Shirts that say We infact, do NOT Fuck around!

Now, you are I am sure filled with as much joy as I am. I am soon to be an Uncle, as close to in relation I ever want to be to a young fetus (with the way my sex life is going lately, unless my left hand learns to gestate, I am in the clear! ). This was the best news I thought I could hear, until my brother asked me to be THE GOD FATHER!!!!. Speechless and teary eyed, and filled with a Guinea light in my heart, I accepted. While I am totally unreligious, this is one position I should, nay, MUST, hold! I dont want to teach Kaylee the ways of the church or be her gaurdian if Artie should eat too much one Thanksgiving, have a heartattack as an entire turkey gets clogged in one of his artieries, falls on Lori-Ann, squishing the poor dear to death. No, I want to spoil the ever living shit out of this little girl. Every Christmas and Birthday, I want her to toss aside brightly wrapped package after package till she comes across the box marked; From Your Godfather and Favorite Uncle, Sean. I want her on all Holidays to enter the family house, avoiding and dodging Grandmas, Grandfathers, Parents, Aunts, regular Uncles, until she sees me and gives me the biggest hug ever and says Happy Insert Holiday here, and calls Artie, Pappy Jr, my father GrandPappy while giving me a wink and smile as I slip her a $5 bill.

These my friends, I see as the tasks of THE GODFATHER

2006-09-01 With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

I am a Superhero. I have been stating this fact for years, but no one has been able to see me in full action (outside of the bedroom of course, Oooooooooo YEAH!!!.....anyone.....hello........no? ..shit) So last Friday I went to go see Mike Barret at Kennedy's, he's a dirty Irish singer who I have been going to see for years. He's an unapologizing politically incorrect singer, and despite hearing pretty much the same songs every week for 5 years, they still make me laugh (the ridiculous amount of booze I drink while watching him might help). Back to Saturday, the normal singing, drinking and yelling ensued, afterwards a bunch of us hit up the Littlest Bar. As I, the mild mannered bar patron, am walking out of the bar to go home I see a friend of mine, Ben, hooking up with some girl. I am like, Yeah Ben, go for yours! As I say this mentally, I see one of the girl's friends going in for a cock block. The friend, Ben's new nemesis CockBlocker is walking towards them, starting a conversation as the girl tongue is down Ben's throat. So I lunge forth into action, pick her up with my left arm, swing her around, and tell her "Let my boy get some, he's going into the Navy in a week. He only has man ass to look forward to for the next six months". CockBlocker, just smiles, and says "Ok!". As she walked back to her brother/boyfriend (it was weird), I stood below a flapping American Flag, fists on my hips, head slightly angled to the side and basked in all my glory of the good deed I had just performed.

Figure 1. Being as there were no cameras, I will be working with Artist representations of that night.

Minutes later a bunch of us, Ben and his conquest included, were walking for a cab. The plan seemed to be to goto the conquest's house for an after party. I was down, I immediately stepped into Wingman mode and kept Conquest's friends busy while Ben worked his magic. We get to government center and some sort of radiation from Quincy Market must have turned Conquest into the arch villian Evil Conquest. She immediately wigs out and dogs Ben. She is like Ben's not coming to her house, out of the blue. He didn't grab her ass, be rude, insinuate he wants to get laid, nothing! So I was like, well Fuck her then. Let's go! I sometimes become Captain Impatient when I get my drink on.

So we walk up to the Commons on our way to find a cab. I see a tree and a shadow, so I meld into the shadow and do my part to help nature and water the tree. Ben, my trusty sidekick takes a sapling, and does the same. As I am shaking and zipping I see a body in the park. So, again I put on my cape and spring into action. I put on my CSI Hat and check out the body. I scientifically kick the body and it kind of moves and groans. This poor bastard was so fucking polluted he just dropped in the middle of Boston Commons. I don't mean, like laid down, I mean he was sprawled out like he fell 50 feet, even one of his shoes was missing, which we would later find out, was under his back. I mean honestly, how does that even happen? We try to get this guy to wake, Not happening. So Ben wants to call an ambulance, but we don't know what the cross streets are. So I use my super speed and run to the sidewalk to find out where the hell we were. I ask this Asian couple, "Good citizens, what's the cross streets?" I guess the guy was startled at me running out of the park at 2am asking where the hell we are, cause he jumped back ten feet, practically used his woman as a shield and cowered. Very brave, I'm sure he got laid that night. The Asian woman rolls her eyes at her chicken shit boyfriend and tells me where we are, so I go back and inform my sidekick Ben as he calls an ambulance. The operator tells him that it could be up to two hours before one comes. Ben's like, well, u know where he is, if your not here in 15mins, I'm going home. So he hangs up, and sees the body's cell phone. So he tosses it to me, I manage through the fucked up screen to call his most recent call.

Some guy answers, the conversation went something like:

Sean: Yo, your friend is passed the FUCK OUT in the middle of the commons.

Asshole: What? Who is this? Where's Keith?

Sean: I just told you, Keith is passed the FUCK OUT in the middle of the commons.

Asshole: HAHAHHAHA, what do you want me to do about it?

Sean: I want you to come get your drunk ass friend so I can go home.

Asshole: I can't, I'm about to get laid!

Sean: Well, so is your friend. He's about to get raped by bums in the park.

Asshole: HAHAHAHHAHAHA, well I'm in JP. So I can't come get him.

*click*

Sean: Asshole.

So, to pass the time, I asked anyone walking by "Did you lose this?", while pointing to the body. Most people laughed it off, some told me to call an ambulance, and one guy actually looked the body up and down as if he indeed did lose a drunk white boy, and he was inspecting him to see if this is the same one. After a good look, he's just like "Nah, that's not mine" and walked away.

Finally the ambulance comes, and picks this drunk guy up. The EMTs were awesome. They mocked him and were like "ohhhhhhhhh, he's all sleepy and even lost his shoe!". So they told us they got it, thanked us for our heroic deeds and we can go.

Figure 2. Me and my sidekick Ben head back out into the city to protect it's people
So, we leave the body and the EMTs and head on. Ben flags down a cab, but as I am going the opposite way, I say ill find my own. So I bid him farewell, and walk on. I am walking up Boylston, right by the Pru, and I see a backpack on the darkened street. I look around and the street is empty as the bar crowd had already dispersed while I was tending to the body. So I look closer and it's a girl's backpack, like a 10 year old's backpack. So that smells all wrong to me. How would it get here this late and still be here after all the drunks walked up Boylston to Mass ave. So I pick it up and look for some contact information. Nothing. I spill out the contents on a cart outside the cactus club. A book with a phone #, but no area code. I call it hoping it's 617, but nope. Seemed to be a different area code. As I further investigate the contents this HUGE guy walks up to me.

Figure 3. This was one huge fricken guy
This guy bellows out, "What are you doing?". So I turn around, holding a pink book bag in one hand and a stuffed kitten which I had just removed from said bag in the other and go "None of your fucking business!". The site of some guy half his size mouthing off to him while holding a pink backpack and stuffed animal must have startled him, cause he took a step back, and was like "You from the streets?", and I scream out "YEAH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!", this guy turns around in a flat out run up Boylston. I giggle (the pink bag inspired a giggle, what can I say?) and figure this might not be the safest place to be looking through the bag. So I collect everything and grab a cab back home. I am now totally thinking CSI and this backpack is evidence and some poor girl got kidnapped and she tossed her bag out of the creepy red van as a clue. So I get home and call the police station. Despite the my conspiratorial mind, I didn't think it was a job for 911, the police station was fine. The cop on duty didn't share my thoughts on the kidnapping, and told me it was probably lost property and to drop it off the next morning. So I wake up bright and early, and do my civic and heroic duty of turning in said back pack.

The cop, not the same one I talked to the night before, also doesn't believe my kidnapping theory. So I fill out a piece of paper with my info, where I found it and such and hand it over to the cop. I left the police station feeling proud that I did some awesomely good deeds that past day, and after a moment realize it's a new day and time for some new good deeds.

Figure 4. Basking in the moment, I set out to save more citizens

Epilogue:
While saving citizens and such is my life's passion, it doesn't exactly pay the bills. During the week I work undercover as an Engineer. So this past Wednesday I'm working (read: Surfing the web) and my phone rings. Unknown number, but I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. I pick it up, and it was a woman (Oooo yeah). She says, "Is this Sean". I say, "Yes, yes it is". She starts thanking me for turning in the book bag and telling me how awesome I am.

Figure 4. The woman on the phone thanks me good and proper!

I guess what happened is she left it in the cab along with the portable DVD player and the next people to get into the cab took them both, kept the player and ditched the back pack. Scumbags! And the cops contacted her, cause one of the books was a library book and they found her number that way. She thanked me once again after telling me the story and hung up.

So I figure that is at least +10 points on my Karma card. Now I just have to find a Karma dealer where I can cash these points in for some fucking good luck........or some hot chick. Either one is fine with me. If that happens, then I can truthfully say Good things happen to good people where typically my motto is No good deed goes unpunished.

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