White Trash, USA

     For July 4th this year a bunch of us went to Whip-O-Will campgrounds for some BBQ'n, horseshoes and a fuck ton of drinking. When people go camping it they call it "Roughing It", yet everytime I have been or seen people go camping, they don't rough it, they white trash it up. No matter if I went camping with my family, friends, or seen people's camping pictures, EVERYONE ends up a piece of dirty white trash by the end of the trip. We arrived all clean and semi-civilized people, and we came back dehydrated, drunk, dirty, dystentary having mother fuckers.

     Having this been my 10th camping trip or so, I knew this was inevitable and I went with the flow. Five minutes into the camping trip I met our new neighbor, Large Marge, who yelled at us for being in her campsite becuase she could NOT comprehend that a double site meant it was twice as big, not that you have two. Given the sheer size of her ass though, I can understand why she wanted the second site, every time she turned around too quick a few of her 1000 dirty kids ended up getting knocked into the lake. I attended this friendly meeting with Large Marge with a beer in one hand and the bird fully formed on the other. Once we got out the horse tranquilizers and settled the Large Marge issue it was onto some horseshoes, eating meat, and consuming lots of liqour thus begining the transoformation into white trash. Good plan right? But of course SOMEONE just had to go and fuck it up.

     Someone just had to bring the uptown city Jew who thought she could go the whole weekend without turning into white trash. Jill went to all lengths to not become white trash, here we can see her and Donnie in front of their nice decorated tent.

Figure 1. Jill and Donnie in Denial of Becoming White Trash
Matching Hats. Address. Frilly Decorations. For Sale By Owner Sign. There was some serious thought put into this. There was some serious preparation and care into making sure everything looked great and festive and not white trash. Well, as I am sure you already know, there was only one thing We, the ones who accepted becoming White Trash, could do, we waited till they left on a walk and Toilet Paper'd the hell out of their tent

Figure 2. We Done showed them for thunkin' they better then us!
No one short of Superman himself could have stood the peer pressure we were applying. We were in the woods, severly intoxicated at 11am, and had nothing else to do but bring Jill and Donnie to the WhiteTrash Side. After a couple of funnels, shots, and games of barefoot horseshoes in the dirt, Jill not only became one of us, she surpassed us. This was a true case of the pupil overcoming the Master, Jill somehow got 9 months pregnant in one day and she is still not sure who the father is but she knows them welfare checks are coming in the mail. BRAVO!

Figure 3. I swear it ain't mine!
Erin, not one to give up on The White Trash Woman of the Year award without a fight tries to usurp Jill by using the Shaving on a foldup chair with a solo cup manuever.

Figure 4. She said it made her beer taste better.....
Now that we are all on the same white trash page it was time to get down to some good old fashioned White Trash fun. This game was called Knock Joe Into the Dirt.

Figure 5. Is it just me or do I look like Ed Norton from the Honey Mooners?

At this point we were all good god damn drunk for the 4th day in a row, sunburnt, dirty, and swamp-ass was in full effect for everyone. We got cleaner rolling around in the dirt then we did in the "showers" they supplied. The showers were more like the Iron Maiden with ice water trickling from the top.

Figure 6. None of us are sunburnt, that's dirt.
Now, you maybe be like, where the hell is your 16 year old cousin? Well, since the young man was only 16 we could not let him participate in these events. *wink wink* We made sure he stayed in the boat tied up all weekend.

Figure 7. It wasn't cruel, we tossed him whatever food fell onto the coals.
Well, that was my Fourth of July camping trip to White Trash America. What did we learn? No matter how hard you try to not become white trash, you will end up on welfare by the end of the trip. The harder you try NOT to be white trash, the harder the horde of white trash that surrounds you will press till you join the ranks. Next time you go camping, watch, you too will notice the metamorphosis into White Trash